we are our parent's children...amongst other serious thoughts

my father called me yesterday and amongst other trivialities he slipped in this little bit of information:

wednesday night my brother was arrested for possession of marijuana (the second time). my father left him in jail for two days because on the two visits he made to see him, my brother didn't ask him for any help. meanwhile my mother is ripping her hair out because she has no idea what is happening to her youngest son and my stuborn father refuses to let him off the hook unless he asks for help. meanwhile my father makes arrangements with the police to have my brother released to him (since he is a minor and it has legal implications otherwise if he is released to no one at all.) what do the police do? they release him to no one at all only a few hours before my father is supposed to come get him. This sends my father into a rage at which point he demands that the sheriff's office re-arrest my brother because he needs to be released as a minor. so my brother who just got home to my crying mother, is made to stand outside on the street in front of my parent's house (while my mother watches) so that some sheriff's deputies can come by, put him in handcuffs for the second time in three days, and haul him off to jail--again--at which point my father brings my brother home.

so what does blaise think? blaise is so pissed off at something (he doesn't know what it is) that it confuses and frustrates him to the point that he only gets more rageful and angry at everything. blaise's phone call to his brother last night brings his brother to tears which brings blaise to tears--something like a mixture of the most extreme forms of love, worry, anger, and sadness all mixed up in one long, tiresome conversation over the phone. just the beggining of the conversation:

(blaise's brother): hey...
(blaise): are you okay?
(blaise's brother): i don't know (starts to cry...)...I'm so sorry, Blaise. I'm so....
(blaise): its okay...don't appologize...its okay...
(brother): (sniffles and crying)
(blaise): i don't care about anything dad told you. i don't care about anything that happened...
(brother): i'm really scared....I'm so sorry...(more crying)
(blaise): (tears) I love you...that's all that matters...you can tell me whatever you want to tell me...it doesn't matter what it is...
(brother): okay...(tears)...i know...
(blaise): i'm not judging you...i'm trying not to judge you...i don't care about any of that stuff....(tears)
(brother): okay...(uncontrollable crying)...okay...thanks blaise

so there it is. my brother is broken and scared. maybe its a good thing in the eyes of my father. maybe now he can be re-made and re-learn all these lessons of responsibility and committment to good values. maybe now he'll finally learn this lesson.......maybe I say. but maybe fear mongering is not the way to teach or "influence" people in what they think and do. maybe what my father sees as my brother waking up to his bad habits and problems is actually my brother shaking as he tries to make his love for his family and parents compatible with the fact that he is terribly ashamed of letting them down. maybe my brothers mistakes are really the side effects of his trying to live up to the image of his older brothers, dwelling in their shadows. maybe his older brothers were, after all, only trying to live up to the image of their father, dwelling in his shadow. and maybe they are still having trouble getting out of his shadow. maybe now blaise is realizing how long and big a shadow his father has cast. and maybe his father is still a great man whom he loves deeply. but maybe there are fears and neglects in the folds of that shadow that are not so great--that are being passed over, that we do not need to love or affirm to love his father.

i am worried about my brothers most of all and then my mother--who has sacrificed (and continues to sacrifice) too much to watch her sons be jailed and re-jailed. and then I am worried about my father--who I know is not sure he is doing the right thing and who also loves his sons and his wife to deeply to let a little bit of pot destroy their lives.